How You Talk Shapes How You Parent

Could the way you interact with your partner shape your child’s future? How much do children absorb from the way their parents talk, listen, and handle stress? In this blog, we'll look at a study published in 2018 led by Dr. Tricia Neppl at the University of Iowa that shows how a healthier dynamic between partners can support better outcomes for children.

The Study

Researchers followed 209 families over several years and observed how partners interacted when the children were toddlers and preschoolers. Trained observers noted how warmly partners spoke to each other, how they handled disagreements, and how each parent engaged with their child.

A few years later, when the children were five, the researchers measured how socially confident and capable each child had become. They looked at how well the kids played with others, adjusted to new situations, and handled day-to-day challenges.

Then, to connect these outcomes to the earlier family interactions, the team used a method called structural equation modeling, which statistically maps how the different family relationships influence one another over time. In simple terms, they were testing whether parents who have a healthier partnership tend to parent more warmly, which helps children form a more secure attachment to each parent, and whether that combination supports stronger social skills by age five.

Key Findings

When partners treated each other with warmth, support, and cooperation, they were more likely to show positive parenting behaviors and their children tended to feel more securely connected to them. Together, these two factors were linked to higher social competence by age five.

Importantly, these patterns held even after accounting for the child’s earlier social skills. In other words, the couple’s dynamic added something beyond the child’s natural temperament or starting point.

Here’s how these patterns might show up in everyday life. When one parent dismisses or criticizes the other, the stressed parent becomes less patient and responsive with their child. The child picks up on this tension and feels less secure. Over time, that insecurity shows up as difficulty sharing with other kids, trouble adjusting to new situations, or hesitation in social settings.

The reverse is also true. When partners listen to each other and respond with warmth, they have more emotional bandwidth for their child. That child feels safe, learns to trust relationships, and carries that confidence into friendships and school.

So the way you and your partner talk to each other shapes how you parent, and that parenting becomes the model your child uses to understand and relate to the world.

Practical Takeaways

1. Protect your partnership.
The way you treat each other shapes how you parent. Invest in small daily or weekly rituals to reconnect so stress doesn’t quietly erode the teamwork your child depends on.

Try a 10-minute check-in after the kids are in bed, Saturday morning coffee while they watch cartoons, or simply asking "How are you doing, really?" once a day and giving your full attention to the answer.

2. Stay aligned to create consistency.
Kids thrive when parents send consistent signals. Have brief check-ins to agree on routines, expectations, and discipline so you present a steady, united approach. Ask questions like "How should we handle it when she refuses to put her toys away?" or "Should we let him have screen time before homework?" That consistency helps your child feel secure because they know what to expect.

3. Nurture secure attachment with simple, consistent interactions.
A child’s confidence grows from feeling safe with each parent. Keep predictable routines like the same bedtime ritual or consistent morning goodbye. Offer comfort when they're upset by getting down to their eye level and validating feelings before problem solving. Carve out one-on-one time with each parent. Even fifteen minutes of undivided time reading, building blocks, or taking a walk strengthens the bond.

4. Handle stress without turning on each other.
Parenting stress is normal, but how partners respond to it matters. When things feel tense, pause before responding. Name what you're feeling out loud instead of snapping. Then choose one small supportive step like asking your partner to take care of the kids for ten minutes while you breathe.

5. See your family as a connected system.
Couple dynamics, parenting behavior, and child development all feed into one another. When you notice your child acting out or withdrawing, it can help to reflect on how you and your partner have been treating each other lately. The answer often reveals where to focus your energy. Investing in your partnership through better communication and intentional connection is also an investment in your child's social and emotional world.

Study Limitations

Like any study, this one has a few limitations worth keeping in mind.

The families who participated were mostly Caucasian, two-parent households living in the rural Midwest, so the findings may not fully reflect the experiences of more diverse families or different parts of the country.

Observations also took place in structured settings, which may not capture the full range and nuance of daily family life. And while the study followed families for several years and shows strong patterns, it still cannot prove cause and effect with complete certainty.

The sample size also limited how deeply the researchers could explore differences between mothers and fathers, or how these patterns might vary depending on the child’s gender.

Even with these limits, the study offers meaningful insight into how the ways partners treat each other can shape parenting and, in turn, influence a child’s social development.

Research Into Practice

The small choices partners make in how they listen, respond, and support one another ripple outward into their child’s confidence, social skills, and long-term well-being. But knowing this and actually changing communication patterns in the middle of parenting stress are two different things.

That's where Talkwell comes in. We designed our platform specifically to bridge the gap between understanding what healthy communication looks like and practicing it in real time. Talkwell helps couples spot their communication patterns, understand what's really driving their reactions, and find constructive ways to express thoughts and feelings, especially during those tense moments when old habits tend to take over.

Whether you are working through a disagreement or want to strengthen your connection, Talkwell provides the tools to communicate in ways that create a steadier, more supportive environment not just for the two of you but for your whole family to grow and flourish.